6 years...

Dear Guy Who Broke My Heart,

Today would have been our 6 year anniversary.

And I'm missing you...



...a lot.

Love,
me

gardenia

Well I, put so much thought into getting ready
Now I know that was the best part
It's so easy to get caught up in what I'm regretting
Forget what I got from a wounded heart

I'm the one who likes gardenia
I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor
I don't want to hang up the phone yet
It's been good
Getting to know me more

I've been seeing all my old friends in the city
Walking alone in Central Park
Doing all the things that I've neglected
Traded 'em all in
To be in your arms

I'm the one who likes gardenia
I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor
I don't want to hang up the phone yet
It's been good
Getting to know me more

Well, I hear my own voice
Sounds so silly
Keep on telling my story all around
Everything I lost seem so different
Well, this is how everybody gets found

Lyrics by Mandy Moore

too late?

A friend of mine just texted this to me...

One day he'll wake up and realize how wonderful you are
and you'll be waking up to the guy who already knew.

I hope he realizes this before it's too late...

without you...

I've sure enjoyed the rain
But I'm looking forward to the sun
You have to feel the pain
When you lose the love you gave someone
I thought by now the time
Would take away these lonely tears
I hope you're doing fin all alone,
But where do I go from here

'Cause

Without you I'm not ok
And without you
I've lost my way
My hearts stuck
In second place, ooh
Without you

Well I never thought I'd be
Lying here without you by my side
It seams unreal to me that
The life you promised was a lie
You made it look so easy
Making love into memories
I guess what you got what you wanted
But what about me

'Cause

Without you I'm not ok
And without you
I've lost my way
My heart's stuck
In second place, ooh
Without you

Somebody tell my head to try and tell my heart
That I'm better off without you
'Cause baby I can't live

Without you I'm not ok
And without you
I've lost my way
My heart's stuck
In second place, ooh
Without you

lyrics by the Dixie Chicks

nearly 3 weeks of silence...

So we haven't talked in almost 3 weeks. I know that was what he wanted, but this is the longest we have EVER gone without talking...in almost 6 years...

...and I miss him...

...a lot.

So much has happened in these past weeks that I've wanted to call and tell him about, but can't.

I'm trying so hard to be ok about all of this...but it's really difficult sometimes.

And, I think he's seeing someone else. Already. (Even though he said they're just friends...I just have this feeling...call it women's intuition). It makes me so sad, and sick to my stomach. I feel really betrayed.

I just don't see how, after 6 years, you can walk away and not look back. I think about him everyday, and I wonder if he thinks about me at all...especially when he's with her...

I know that eventually it will get easier, or at least that's what everyone says, but it's hard to imagine.

He was my best friend...

leave the pieces...

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' round

You say you don't want to see me hurt
Don't wanna see my tears
So why are you still standing there
Just watching me drown

It's all right, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can say or do
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

Now you can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With the mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as your gone

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can say or do
You're gonna break my heard anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Just leave the pieces when you go.

lyrics by The Wreckers.

my heart hurts...

Tonight Jason told me that he wants to take a break...a few weeks of not talking or seeing each other. Oh, and officially not being 'together'.

I guess I should've seen this coming.









Nonetheless, I am crushed.

i deserve...

...someone who loves me for who I am.

...someone who loves me as much, if not more, than I love them.

...to be the most important person in someone's life.

...someone who puts me first, at least most of the time.

...to get at least 100% out of a relationship that I put 150% into.

...to feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world.

...to be happy...

i just want to cry...

Just when I think that things are starting to get better, I get this gut feeling that they're only getting worse.

For some reason I've been really sad today...and I'm not really sure why. I just have this feeling deep down that something's not right.

Being involved in a relationship that has taken a step backward after almost 6 years is one of the most difficult things I've ever endured. I feel like the only person that I want to talk to about how I'm feeling is Jason...but it's just not that easy anymore.

It's like losing your best friend.

Sometimes I just wish everything would go back to normal. My entire life is in turmoil right now...it's a huge stress that I think about every single minute of every single day.

I just miss him so much...and I have no control over it. Nor do I have any control over his feelings and our future. I only have control over my future...which seems so empty without Jason.

Life goes on...

*Sigh*

The concert was SO good. John Mayer is amazing. He put on an amazing show and sang my two favorite songs from his new album.

The weekend was a lot of fun...but it was HOT over at the gorge. At least 100 degrees...but totally worth it.

Anyway, things haven't changed much, we are still moving out of our apartment. I am, however, feeling a little better because I've decided to start being selfish and worrying more about me. I know how that may sound, but it's been a long time since I've only had to worry about myself. So that's what I'm going to do.

I've also decided that I'm going to live at home a little longer than originally expected...so yes, I will be living in my parent's basement for awhile. But, I have a good reason.

My sister and I are talking about buying a house early next year. Her lease on her current apartment isn't up until January and until then I can live rent free and save as much money as I can. I'm actually really excited about this whole idea. I think it will be fun to live with my sister and own my own place, PLUS it's a great investment!

So there's a quick update on what's going on with me...I thought I'd update while I'm still in this positive mood!

One day at a time...

I'm now officially living with my mom again...it's not too terribly bad...although I do feel kind of like a kid again.

Days go by so slowly...I literally sit at my desk and work and wait for 5:30 to come around. It doesn't help that I haven't been that busy at work lately. It's all I can do to concentrate on anything other than what's currently going on in my personal life. I try to occupy my day with anything but thinking.

When I'm outside of work, being with my family helps. My little sister Courtney and I have been spending lots of time together, which is nice. Today my brother Josh and I went and bought Guitar Hero for PS2...these are the moments that help me keep my mind off of everything else.

But they go to bed early...and that's when everything comes back to me. Yesterday wasn't too bad...but tonight the floodgates seem to have reopened.

I miss my life...my cats, my own bed, my apartment, my usual commute to and from work...and most importantly Jason. We were going to get together this weekend, but it doesn't look like it's going to work out...and I think that the idea of getting to see him this weekend was keeping my spirits up, slightly, and now I'm just back to being bummed.

Gonna let him fly...

Well, I have a good reason this time for not posting.

After 5 years of living together, Jason and I are going our separate ways...living situation wise at least.

I'm not quite sure what will come of all of this, whether we will stay together, or not...I'm trying super hard to just focus on each day as it comes instead of trying to predict the future.

I have a million emotions running through my mind.

So, that's what's going on in my life...I'll try to keep things positive here, as I feel that it may keep my mind off of everything else...but I may also use my blog as a way to vent.

So thanks in advance to anyone who reads this for listening.